


Falling

by spacewitchqueen (vixy)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Drabble, Evil Space Boyfriends, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, angsty, but not rly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vixy/pseuds/spacewitchqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is a wild ride. Hux analyzes his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling

Falling. Falling slowly. Falling in love. Falling... out of love.

Falling out of love can hit a person just as hard as falling in love. This realization surprises Hux somewhat more than it should. But what would he know about this. It's not like he'd ever been in love before. Hux wonders if this, this thing, between him and Kylo Ren could be called love. It felt like it some times, and yet, he wasn't convinced. Did normal people love like this?

It's late, he should not waste time thinking about this, overanalyzing his feelings. Kylo enters his quarters babbling about some thing or other. Hux doesn't really pay attention. He feels slightly annoyed, he's beginning to feel it. Or rather, he doesn't feel "it" anymore.

At first, Kylo's utter adoration had been flattering, endearing even. But now? Now Hux felt overwhelmed. He hadn't asked for it and if he had to be honest with himself, he wasn't ready to be the world, something so important for anyone else, let alone a grown-up man without any experience in romantic relationships. It's just too much for him! Hux can be the friend, the lover even. But being Kylo's beloved is becoming the center of the universe, is being in a permanent spotlight.

Hux feels guilty that he doesn't feel the same way. And he curses Kylo because he detests feeling guilty. Of course, Hux tries to hide it, tries to fake it because who knows, maybe that's the trick. "Fake it till you make it" he thinks. He closes his eyes and kisses Kylo. He wonders if Kylo notices. Perhaps he does. No, none of that. Hux is sure Kylo knows, isn't he a damn mind reader after all? But Kylo hates confronting Hux. Kylo never learned to work things out by talking, he lashes out, he destroys things and then he feels awful about making Hux angry, afraid of losing him. Hux knows this.

Oh, how Hux wishes Kylo would just face him. Hux has grown more distant, more spiteful. He's even let Kylo see some rather unkind thoughts. Hux sees Kylo clenching his fists, venting his anger on any available surface, but still he says nothing. Damn him! If only Kylo would pick an argument with Hux, start a fight, make the decision to leave! Then Hux wouldn't feel so fucking miserable about breaking the Knight's heart. But Kylo says nothing. 

Kylo becomes more taciturn, he barely takes his helmet off anymore. He avoids Hux most of the time, reappearing only when it's really late. Then there he is, in Hux's bed, silent, but still willing to please the General.

Hux doesn't want to hurt him, this man who is so powerful and yet, so weak. He finds Kylo's weakness (which is named Hux, really), offensive, pathetic. Hux hates weakness in any shape. Hux finds himself thinking about other people, falling short of being openly flirtatious. He's not trying to make Kylo jealous but he can't help it. Hux knows he's appealing, attractive, he smiles at a particular officer one time too many. Kylo fucks him hard that night. Little bastard, Hux thinks, slightly amused. This is more like it. Hux remembers why is it that he liked about Kylo in the beginning. The sex is great but is all the rest worth it? His eyes are heavy, he falls asleep and dreams of those awkward first times.

When they began this, whatever it was, Hux had been drawn to the Knight's imposing presence, a silent promise of power. Hux had been more than willing to join him in any and every way to share and compete for that power. Hux hadn't expected to see the vulnerable side of Ren. He thought they would rule together and now he felt as though he'd been fooled, that underneath that helmet and that beautiful face, Kylo had none of the strength he projected so well. Hux felt cheated by having to witness Kylo fall apart. 

One day Hux can't stand it, he can't quiet down his inner monologue. 

"Why me?" He blurts out. "I did not ask for your heart."

Kylo looks hurt, injured even. He picks up his helmet and leaves.

Hux doesn't see him for days, but he hears the unmistakable sound of breaking glass behind Kylo's door. At first he feels relief but after a week of Kylo's absence, of stubborn mutism whenever Hux happens to walk by (because of course, this was just a coincidence, Hux insists), Hux stops him in a corridor. 

"Are you never going to visit me again?" Hux asks in a sultry whisper which he deems to be inviting. He doesn't mean to sound condescending, but he doesn't want to show that he's actually worried now. Worried that he did Kylo wrong. Kylo jerks his arm away and keeps walking, almost stepping on his robe, muttering something about not being anyone's fucktoy but Hux isn't sure because that stupid helmet distorts Kylo's voice.

A few more days go by and it is almost impossible to find Kylo. Not that Hux has been looking for him. Well, just a few times, and always on important matters, of course. Insufferable idiot. Hux rather likes the alliteration.

And then... reports on broken equipment. Idiot Ren, with his stupid lightsaber, throwing yet another temper tantrum. And why? Because he's what, sulking? Angry? Heartbroken? A nagging voice, quite unlike his own, tells Hux this. Hux takes a deep breath and resigns himself to deal with the paperwork. 

When did it become more than a game to him? Hux closes his eyes and he sees Kylo's face. Not in any particular emotion, just his face, staring intently back at Hux, the inklings of a smile barely curling the edge of his mouth. Kylo is beautiful, Hux admits to himself. He's mystified that no one ever told him that. No wonder the man is so insecure. Hux allows himself to trace Kylo with his mind, his luscious hair, his nose, his mouth. Damn, no. Again. His eyes, his ears, the million beauty marks, his mouth. That inexperienced mouth that nonetheless had gifted Hux with so much pleasure. He finds himself wanting to touch Kylo's face. Hux sighs in exasperation. Get a grip, man.

Hux misses Kylo. It took him quite some time to realize this, and quite some more time to accept it. Kylo may have his shortcomings and he may be an idiot. But Kylo was Hux's idiot. Maybe it wasn't so bad, this thing they had. It was not normal by any standard but hell, they didn't do "normal". Hux wills himself to go looking for Kylo.

"Ren."

"General." Kylo says, biting the word, not looking at Hux.

"May I have a word."

"Don't you always get what you want?"

"Right. About our... eh..."

"I won't tell anyone."

He doesn't even let Hux say what he came to say. And he's gone again, robe swishing behind him.

I see what you're doing, Kylo. Hux thinks, seething. Fine, ignore me, you petty little shit. Like I could care less, it was I who made you leave. 

A few nights after that last exchange, Kylo enters the training room. It is very late, it should be empty. But Hux is there. Kylo turns to leave but Hux grabs his arm. He doesn't really know what to say so he just kisses him, roughly, desperately. Kylo doesn't respond at first, he's shocked. Hux notices and he lets go of Kylo, embarrassed, he storms out. Kylo follows. They both get into an elevator.

"What was that about?" Kylo demands.

"Forget it!" Hux hisses back.

Kylo slams the emergency stop button.

"What am I supposed to think? What do you want me to do?" Kylo asks. 

Hux is silent, he looks away from Kylo.

Kylo takes a step towards him and without warning has him pinned against the wall. They share feverish kisses, bruising their lips because who cares, who cares, no one cares, no one matters, only them. 

The elevator starts working again. Two men come out of it, and go their separate ways.

Hux can't stop thinking about Kylo. It is distracting. It maddens him not to know what Kylo thinks, what he feels. 

Hux misses Kylo's presence, the rapt attention with which he listened to his every word, Kylo's witty replies, his dark sense of humour that never failed to make Hux laugh, the stories he would make up for him, and his smiles, reserved for Hux only. Hux misses Kylo's body, misses giving himself up to his knight. Hux misses who he is when he is with Kylo. He knows, as the rational man he is, he has to win Kylo back. He hopes, as his irrational heart beats harder, that Kylo will take him back.

Hux had fallen fast at first, but for the wrong reasons. He fell out of it pretty quickly, too. And then, he really fell in love with Kylo. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kylo is badly injured, he's unconscious. He needs help now and he can't even ask for it. Hux doesn't have to be asked to go rescue Kylo. He would have done it even against direct orders. Hux holds Kylo's hand and commands him to wake up, to get better. "Come back to me, my prince, my love."

 

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a free writing exercise but I liked the idea. It is barely edited, maybe barely readable. I just wanted raw emotion, specific moments. Might do it properly later on, maybe from Kylo's point of view.


End file.
